“Over the last 30 years, systemic approaches to family therapy have been largely successful at treating even the most intractable problems in family functioning. However, stepfamilies have long proven a particular challenge for family therapists. Recent research has confirmed that, given their unique dynamics, stepfamilies are vulnerable in a way that is distinct from typical “first-families,” leaving them often resistant to traditional family therapy techniques’ (Browning & Artfelt, 2012).
In terms of couple therapy in the context of blended families, we are basically where we were 30 years ago in regards to couple’s therapy: thinking that couple’s therapy was individual therapy times two, with a bit of salt and pepper added into the mix. However, with the introduction of attachment theory, the role of emotions in human change processes, systems theory, and advancements in neuropsychology, our theories, and therapies for couples have kept pace. Unfortunately, we cannot say the same for blended family theory and practice.
Differences between nuclear families and blended families.
In light of the advances in couple therapy and my work with couples in blended families over the past 20 years, I have come to conceptualize the blended family as a white water river canoe voyage as opposed to a lake journey. The differences between these two lie in the different skill sets required of couples that paddle a white water river vs paddling on a lake.
In working with couples the white water canoe metaphor is useful because it captures the attachment and emotionally charged systemic dynamics that are activated within the blended family. This metaphor also places the adults squarely in the bow and stern of the canoe, reinforcing the importance of their relational dynamic as central to the well-being of the children who are looking to them for reassurance, belonging, and guidance.
Paradoxically, in the blended family river, the stability lies in keeping the canoe on an angle or off-balance, in a state of constant adaptive flux compared to paddling on a lake. On a lake, the stability of the canoe relies on keeping the boat lying flat on the lake surface, not leaning to either side. Whereas in a white water river, the stability of the canoe and the safety of the paddlers rely on leaning the canoe on a downriver angle to allow the moving water to flow under the boat. Failing to lean the canoe in the right direction in the rapids guarantees flipping the canoe, swallowing lots of water and possibly getting banged up on the rocks. Furthermore, in a nuclear family canoe, the couple dynamic has a greater influence on the emotional stability of the children whereas, in the blended family canoe, the children’s relational and emotional dynamics have a greater impact on the couple’s relational and emotional stability and connection.
The reason for this destabilizing effect is that the blended family is decentralizing primary attachment figures where more attachment nodes are created with step-parents, step-siblings, step-extended families, etc. Furthermore, the movement between two canoes in shared custody arrangements uproots belonging and creates weekly micro-fissures in the attachment fabric for both the parents and the children. This destabilizing process awakens core attachment anxieties and is emotionally taxing on all family members, explaining the difficulty in adapting to the constant flux of the currents in the blended family river.
The blended family is less stable, with higher divorce rates than nuclear families, creating a context for increased attachment volatility and anxiety among all family members. At the heart of this anxiety is the ambiguity around the new familial contract where relational trust and belonging (i.e., the need to renegotiate the relational contract beyond bloodlines within the family) is front and center in the evolving dynamic of the blended family.
Basically, in a blended family canoe, due to these core attachment dynamics within and between bloodlines, the children have more power to destabilize the couple’s ability to paddle effectively downriver.
From an attachment perspective, this means that the couple needs to acquire a clear emotional understanding of their attachment styles. From an experiential perspective, cognitive and emotional understanding of their respective relational strengths and weaknesses is essential within the couple as they navigate the complex currents of the river. Therefore, concrete strategies for fostering reassurance and emotional support rituals are crucial within the couple and with the children. And from a systemic perspective, learning to read, attend and respond to the children’s’ reactions to the river and adapting their approach is essential.
Also, the planning, preparation and skill sets needed for a river trip are both quantitatively and qualitatively more complex and more physically, emotionally, intrapsychically, inter-personally, economically and socially demanding on all family members. Unfortunately, most single parents coming off a nuclear family lake trip embark on a river trip with their new partner and children under the naive impression that it will be pretty much the same as their previous lake voyage, but better this time around.
Challenges and obstacles in the blended family river
Little do they know that paddling a canoe full of kids down a class III rapid with the boat half full of water is no easy task, especially not knowing if there is waterfall around the corner. Fear, stress, emotional and cognitive constriction, resentment, and interpersonal conflicts are typical reactions in such a context. The sheer intensity of the river can awaken core attachment anxieties within all family members creating instability within the canoe as the couple attempts to navigate the obstacles in the river. And the challenges and obstacles are emotionally charged dynamics including but not limited to:
- Change and loss
- Unrealistic expectations
- Inclusion-exclusion
- Developmental stage discrepancies
- Loyalty conflicts
- Boundary problems
- Power issues
- Closeness and distance
- Rejection of stepparent
- Pressures to perform
- Parental guilt
- Increased volatility
- Contamination from competing and conflictual external sub-systems (shared custody conflicts, parental alienation, etc.)
Moreover, the blended family river is a series of class I to class IV rapids making for a tumultuous ride. A challenging journey if the couple is comprised of experienced paddlers and confident in their tandem white water paddling, river-rescue, and emergency first-aid skills (i.e. if the couple has created a secure and safe bond, and developed emotional awareness and literacy including problem-solving skills), but sheer terror if they can barely swim. And every developmental stage presents the family with specific challenges.
The following stages are but suggestive and are not necessarily linear, often fluctuating in a circular fashion depending on the developmental stages of each member in the family. Also, clinical observations place a 3 to 5-year timeline for families to work through these stages.
- Fantasy
- Immersion
- Awareness
- Mobilization
- Action
- Contact
- Resolution
Couples usually consult with symptoms of blended family burnout when struggling to navigate the challenges of awareness and mobilization. It is at these stages that the couple begins to viscerally experience the limitations of their lake canoe skills in the blended family river, and usually present with a pursue-withdraw negative interaction cycle.
The hydraulic dynamics of a river are a good analogy for the dynamics of a blended family. What makes a white water river a white water river is the slope of the riverbed, the volume of water flowing downstream, and the obstacles buried underneath the surface. Low slope, low volume and few hidden obstacles make for an enjoyable afternoon on the river.
The slope, volume and buried obstacles are analogous to the number of family members, the complexity of the family constellation, including multiple, at times conflicting sub-systems, and the unresolved issues within each family member. Progressively increase all three, and the family is in for a wild emotional ride.
Not adapting to the new realities of the river and stubbornly waiting for the river to magically transform itself into a lake, many blended families implode within the first two to five years on the river. With the canoe battered and leaking, and exhausted, overwhelmed and frustrated parents alongside anxious and angry kids, the couple often gives up and parts ways, wandering through the forest with their offspring in search of the elusive calm lake.
Alternatively, they may consult a mental health professional displaying signs of blended family burnout. These present as exhaustion, anger and frustration, resentment and powerlessness, hopelessness and despair, anxiety and avoidance, lack of desire and emotional disconnection from their partner and his or her children. In this context, we often see pursue-withdraw negative interaction cycles in the couple that are rather resistant to change if left unchecked. Far too often the children are scapegoated as the source of the couple’s distress, with negative interactive cycles focussed on the children’s problematic behaviors and or external sub-systems. This often leads to an “us against them” dynamic defined along bloodlines within the home, leading to increased feelings of isolation, loneliness, and tension among all family members.
Intervention strategies
In terms of interventions when working with couples in blended families, the first step is to normalize their experience of paddling a river with but lake canoeing experience. That they are not to blame for their reactions to the intensity of the river because it is the nature of rapids to awaken all these conflicted emotions. Also, to reassure them that by developing the necessary cognitive, emotional and relational skills, they can learn to read and navigate the challenging rapids that they have come to dread and resent. This step is essentially psycho-educational with an emphasis on re-framing their reactions to the river.
The second step involves shifting the couple’s negative interactive cycle away from the kids’ behaviors and or external sub-systems and focussing on the core unmet attachment needs brewing beneath the surface between the adults. By helping them attend to their unmet attachment needs and coaching them to tap into their primary emotions helps shift the negative interaction cycle towards a more caring empathic dance.
During the third phase, parents are encouraged to emulate this process within and between bloodlines with the children to strengthen the attachment bonds within the sub-systems, hence creating a safe emotional home base within the family.
During the fourth phase, once the couple and family sub-systems are stabilized, historical wounds that hinder the consolidation of the three previous steps can be addressed, processed and integrated.
The primary challenge for therapists working with couples in a blended family is conceptual, requiring a clear understanding of the attachment, emotional and systemic dynamics along the blended family river. Without a clear map and compass, therapists often become lost in the confusion of the rapids, disoriented like their clients as to what to focus on and prioritize. This can inadvertently reinforce negative interaction cycles that scapegoat the children and or the external sub-systems, leaving the therapist feeling the same powerlessness, frustration, and resentment as their clients.
Ultimately, the blended family is more of a collective of pre-established relationships than a family. Over time, the collective can grow and evolve into a semblance of what we call a family. But that semblance often does not resemble what everyone first imagined before embarking on the river. Therefore, as therapists, our overarching goal is to help couples co-create a narrative that fosters belonging and secure attachment within the blended family canoe.
Also published on Medium.
